It all started in the 5th grade. My very close great aunt passed away, I was extremely devastated. This is something that I haven't talked about much since she's passed because it brings back so many emotions of sadness and things I don't want to remember. I was first introduced to self-harm in the 5th grade. My friend used to take safety pins, tacks, or anything sharp that she could get a hold of and cut herself right in front of me. At the time I didn't know that it was very dangerous or life threatening, so I didn't tell anyone. She had endured sexual abuse and she told, but nothing was done about it.
We didn't necessarily feel the same pain, but at least we felt connected by talking to each other daily. I asked why she cut herself and she told me how it helped, that it took away the emotional pain she felt from her sexual abuse. She suggested I do it, which shocked me. I simply told her, "I would never do that because it's crazy." But then 5th grade to an end and things got so much worse for me. As I began to go 6th grade I started to write down all my thoughts, how I was feeling at the time. It was a tough year for me!
Then 7th grade started and that is when I began to consider self-harm and suicide. I'm talking "24/7"- it was always on my mind. I couldn't stand the emotional pain I was feeling. I was taken to the hospital for a mandatory psychiatric evaluation. I didn't tell them everything so I was released and I left feeling the same way. I felt like no one cared about how bad I was feeling. But I was keeping it all inside, so no one could be there for me. It was during my 8th grade year that I began acting on all the thoughts I had. I wanted people to see how much pain I was really in.
When I first started cutting it was seeing the blood, but realizing that I was here and I was still a human being with feelings, that really got to me. I also had another evaluation in 8th grade but a scheduled appointment the next day with a psychologist saved me fron having to stay. Ninth grade was a very crucial time for me. I was in a very dark place and I couldn't find my way out. I cut my arms in places that I have never cut before. It surprised me that I could do that to myself, but not enough for me to stop.
In the beginning, I wasn't cutting to kill myself; it was to take away the emotional pain and anxiety that consumed me daily. It was a high that I couldn't get enough of. I was hospitalized in November 2015, a little in December and then again in January 2016. My last hospitalization was February 4, 2016. That is when it all changed for me- it was for the better!
This journey that I'm has taught me so many things. Two of the most important things are: NEVER SAY NEVER because you never know what situation you might encounter through your lifetime. Also, that happiness cannot be given, destroyed, worn out, or take away, it is something from within your soul. This journey has definitely been a roller coaster but I've made it here AND I'M NOT GIVING UP NOW! It's too important and dear to me now, and so much bigger than just my part in it.
Never ever feel like it is the end of the road for you! Sometimes we need to hear that we are important and that our life is valuable and much more than our past or obstacles we've run into. God has been my #1 strength through it all. He kept me alive, that's why I'm alive today - speaking my truth open heartedly!
Always remember that you are way stronger than you believe you are. You don't know what you can overcome or get through, that's why believing in yourself is so important! I believe that our faith is strengthened by life's obstacles to build us into who we are ought to be which leads us to our calling in life. If you ever feel like you can't turn to anyone else, turn to God he loves us NO MATTER WHAT, that's real love!
I love you all! ✨
